Kissing Blades Phan
by GingerTips
Summary: Hi guys! So, I wrote this angsty story that is rated M for swearing and self-harm and death and sadness and...just read it. Please review, I'll love you forever! Phan. Sorry Dan and Phil, please don't kill me for this *hides in corner*


**Hey guys! So, I had already converted this story from paper and typed this WHOLE THING up on my computer, and then my computer decided to be an evil mother firetrucker and shut down on me. Sigh. I had made some changes and scratched a few things while converting it, so some of the amazingness of the story will be an octave less. Sorry everyone, blame the computer, not me! ("^u^) So without further ado, let's get to the story that is rated M for triggers, death, and obscenity! Maybe it'll be better when I revise while typing this time around :) Don't own Danyul or Phyllup, or Dan and Phil either. Any other references, which I think is only Chris, PJ, and YouTube, I don't own either. :) Thanks for reading, and enjoy! :D  
~Phil's POV~**

I slid the thin metal across my wrist, watching as the blood bloomed from my skin quickly. I cringed as my skin caught on the blade and yanked a chunk with it. I watched as blood flowed from my wrist down to my elbow in a steady trickle. I sighed and grabbed a few tissues from my nightstand. I let them soak up my blood, dragging lightly across my wrist so I didn't bleed any more than I already was. I made one last quick swipe with my razor blade before placing it in a small box I keep in my sock drawer. I grabbed more tissues and cleaned my arms, making sure I didn't get any blood on the sheets or on my skinnies. I decided that music would calm me down, so I scrolled through the music library on my iPod before just pressing Shuffle. I let Pierce the Veil fill my head and I fell asleep to Vic Fuente's voice.

**~Dan's POV~**

Phil's been worrying me lately. He avoids me and evades my questions and always turns down my offers to go places. On camera, he's his happy, normal self, but as soon as I pressed Stop, he would always get up and lock himself in his room, where I could hear the occasional few words of music. I don't have an explanation for his behavior, and I _really_ want one. _I'm going to set things straight between us, I'll go and ask if he wants coffee. _I walked across the hall to Phil's room and knocked gently on Phil's door.

"Phil, can I come in?" I asked.

"Uh, one second!" he yelled in response. I heard rustling and the sound of a drawer opening and closing. A few seconds later, Phil came out wearing a laser cat sweater.

"Hey Phil, I was wondering if you wanted to go get some coffee at Starbucks," I said with a hopeful grin and my puppy dog eyes. He hesitated, but eventually agreed.

"Let me get ready and we'll go," he said, closing the door behind him. I went back in the living room and sat on the couch, pulled my latpop to rest on my lap, and checked Tumblr. I reblogged some cat pictures until Phil came out wearing black converse and straightened, tidy hair. I asked him if he was ready and he nodded, so I got up, walked to the closet, and slipped on my pair of converse high tops. Or Phil's pair. We didn't even know, our sizes are so close, our shoes just mingle. I'm pretty sure neither of us can remember which pairs were ours when we first moved in. _ Wow, I really zoned out there. _Phil was looking at me worriedly.

"Are you okay, Dan?" he asked.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm just a little bit tired today," I half-lied. I may have just plain old zoned about sneakers back there, so I guess I must've been dead tired, right?

"Are you sure? I mean, if you don't feel good, we can stay-"

"NO! No, Phil. I'm fine, let's go," I smiled and slipped through the door. We grabbed a lift, and it was quiet inside, so I decided to break the silence.

"So, Phil, h-"

"Dan, why are you bringing me to Starbucks?" he interrupted me.

"Well, I wanted to spend some bro-time with you," I said awkwardly.

"Dan."

"Yes, Phil."

"Never say that again."

"Okay, Phil." It _was_ pretty awkward to say bro-time.

I wanted to know why he was avoiding me lately, but I wanted to have fun with Phil first.

The lift got to the lobby and we left quietly for Starbucks. The sky was a streaky gray with light mixes of black clouds, though it was mid-day. Rain poured gently from the clouds, and I sighed happily. I love London weather, even if I say I hate it on camera. I love it especially when it rains. I might sound like a girl when I say this, but it feels like I just took a nap when I step into the rain. What's the word? Rejuvenating.

We got to Starbucks and I held the door open for Phil. He mumbled something I guessed was thank you. We went to the counter and placed our order. As Phil waited for our coffee and scones, I grabbed a seat in the very back of the store where no one sat, I wanted some privacy when talking to Phil. I saw Phil come over with our food, and I pulled out his chair for him. I grabbed my coffee and scone and sat down.

"So Phil, we haven't done much together lately. Why is that? I miss spending time with you Phil," I said. Damn. I wanted to avoid that for a little, not just start off our conversation with it. Fuckfuckfuck.

"Dan, I-"

"No, Phil, I'm sorry. That was rude, I shouldn't have, I, I," I rambled. I realized Phil was just staring at me, so I shut up.

"Dan, it's fine," he laughed. "I've just been kind of... unfocused lately... ya know?" I nodded. Phil sucks at lying. It was obvious he was now. I really didn't want this to be like CSI, all interrogation-y, though, so I left it at that.

Phil and I sat quietly, yet contently as we sipped our coffee. Phil's knee brushed against mine, and he blushed as he said sorry. I told him he didn't need to apologize, and he quickly calmed down and went back to his light smile. _That was weird._ It took me a while to notice Phil was tugging at his sleeves. It was Spring, hot enough for me to wear a t-shirt, not a laser cat sweater. So why was he?

"Are you cold?" I asked. Phil looked quickly down at his sleeves and stuttered, "Y-Yeah, I don't even know why. Weird, huh?" I didn't want this to be all CSI, but I guess you can't help it when your best friend is lying to your face.

"Phil, what's been going on? You're acting so weird lately!" I half-yelled. If we weren't sitting in the back, we would've gotten a bunch of evil looks from people because I was being pretty loud at this point.

"Dan, I've already told y-" I cut him off.

"Don't give me any of that shit, Phil. I want the truth. Now." He sighed, and I saw tears brimming in his eyes. Normally I would've calmed down and apologized immediately, but this was different. I felt like I was losing my best friend. Phil looked around for a second to my confusion, but I realized he was making sure no one was around. _Is he showing me something?_ He let his tears spill gently and quietly as he pulled up his sleeves. I gasped as I saw multiple deep cuts and the scars of old ones lining his wrist.

"Phil, I-"

"Just give me some time to myself, please," he said as he pulled his sleeves down, got up, and walked out. I was too confused to follow him. Phil was cutting? Why? Was it me? Was there something _else_ Phil was hiding? Was it the haters of his channel? What was it? And more importantly, why? Why?

**~Phil's POV~**

I had to get out. I had to leave. _Dan must hate me now, I'm just an emo._ I ran back to the flat, tears still pouring from my eyes. I ran faster than I ever had, shoving a person by accident every once in a while, but their yells were silenced when they saw my pouring tears.

An old woman I ran past had said, "Must be girl troubles. Poor dear," I think she might've said more, but she was already out of range. Why did she have to say _girl _troubles? Was I having boy troubles? No, friend troubles. I was almost there. On a normal day, I would've slowed down a long time ago. Today was not a normal day.

I got back to the flat, pushing the door with a slam behind me. I scrambled into my bedroom and jerked open my sock drawer, grabbing my little wooden box, and pulling my biggest blade out of the box, sat down on my bed. I pressed shuffle on my iPhone and let Going Under by Evanescence fill the room as I dug the blade into my wrist. I didn't care if blood got anywhere, I just had to hurt myself. I was a piece of shit who didn't deserve a friend like Dan. I was shit. And I knew it. I pushed the blade into a flat patch of skin where the vein meets my major fatty elbow, where I could dig a little bit deeper, get a little more blood from each cut in that small patch. I felt release as the blood poured out onto my pale, ugly skin. I dragged my blade gently but enough to tear open my skin from my elbow in a vertical line all the way up to my wrist, and my tears began mixing with my blood as they pooled together.

I heard the door open and close. Shit. _Dan can't see me like this, it'll break his heart even more._

"Phil?" I heard him cry weakly. "Are you home?" I heard his footsteps come closer to the door as they walked down the hallway and neared my room. _Dammit, he heard the music playing._

"Phil, please let me in," he said gently.

"N-No," my voice cracked.

"Phil, please, I just want to talk to you. I can help you, I promise." Why must I trust him so much? I stood up, and a wave of dizziness hit me. I almost fell back down, but I didn't let myself. Dan could help me. I stumbled over to the door and twisted it, and it hurt as I did, but I trusted Dan, this would be worth it. Right? Dan took one look at me and burst, tears and sobs echoing through the walls. I didn't want any blood around him, so I led him into his bedroom, where I plopped him down beside me.

"Phil, why?" he said. Dan just stared at my wrists, and I wondered what he was thinking. _Probably what day he's gonna move out._ His tears fell in a thin stream down his cheeks, which I wiped away with my clean, non-bloody thumb. He quickly hung his head, and I dropped my hand. He mumbled something.

"What?"

"I said, when did you start?" I thought back to the time when the kids at school called me things like emo, fag, and other mean and obscene words. I remembered running home, breaking my old glasses, and piercing my skin with the lens. I hadn't known Dan then, I'd meet him a year later.

"The year before I met you," I answered quietly. He started to sob, and I put my arm around him. He hung his head, letting his tears pour out and drip on my leg. I didn't mind, my blood was already covering it.

"Shhh, it's okay, Dan, I'm alright," I said as his body wracked.

Out of nowhere, I felt like my brain had stopped working. I couldn't think. It was like I had no control over my movements. I could only watch in terror as my other arm grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, his head still down, but I could see his confused expression.

"Phil, what are y-" I cut him off by lifting his chin and pressing my lips against his.

**~Dan's POV~**

I immediately melted into the kiss, and I felt Phil's tongue graze my bottom lip, and I allowed him to explore my mouth. Our tongues fought as he pushed me onto my bed. His hands moved to my sides and he laced his fingers in my belt loops, riding my skinnies a little lower. He ground against my thigh and I let out a moan as I put my hands on Phil's ass and squeezed lightly. Wait a second. Phil's ass. My best friend's ass. _Phil's_ ass_._ Phil. _This is wrong._ I noticed how Phil was pulling my skinnies down so they were almost halfway to my knees, and I was aware of his boner. And mine. _This is gonna be harder to do than I thought._ I fought with his tongue for another second, taking in Phil's lust, and then reluctantly pushed him off.

"Phil. What the fuck."

"Fuck? Okay." _Goddamn, this is wrong, but really hot._ "Your pants. They need to be off. Now." Oh my God, Phil was making me want to just let him fuck me, but he'd regret it later, and even if he didn't, things would be horrific on YouTube for us. This couldn't happen, never.

It hurt so much to say, "Phil, I'm sorry. I just don't love you." It hurt so much to see the tears in his eyes. It hurt so much to have to do it. But I did it. And it hurt. So much. And it hurt so much not to pull him down, tangle him in kisses, and tell him that I did, I did love him, but I couldn't. But what I didn't expect was for Phil to turn around, tears falling, and get up and run out. I honestly didn't know what I had expected, but I was right behind him as he ran from my room.

**~Phil's POV~**

I ran into my bedroom and locked the door immediately. I heard Dan running behind me, and as I closed my door there was a resounding thunk. _Oops._ I burst into tears and ran for my razor which I had left on my bed from earlier and this time, I wasn't cautious to avoid my veins. I took the blade and slashed it through my skin, and it hurt, but everything was numbed because all I could feel was misery. Dan didn't love me, and I hated myself for it. I started seeing spots and banging and screams of "Phil! Let me in!", but I didn't bother. I laid down on my bed, and as my senses slowly dulled I saw my door fall forward and Dan come in. He was in tears and rushed up to me. I could feel his tears hit and mix with mine on my cheeks as his head hovered over me. I lifted my hand with the rest of my energy to touch his cheek with my palm.

"I love you," I whispered. And then, there was nothing else.

**~Dan's POV~**

"No, no no no, Phil, please come back, Phil, I love you, please..." I watched as Phil's hand dropped slowly and his eyes lost their beauty, glazing over with emptiness. No, Phil couldn't die. I loved him. I was nothing without Phil, nothing. Phil's cold, lifeless body just lay there, his razor blade at his side, his poison. I realized what I had to do. I walked into the bathroom and plucked a bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet. I didn't care what kind they were, as long as they were pills, they'd work. I filled a cup with water about a fifth of the way, and threw half of the bottle of pills in my mouth, slugging the water with it. They were small, but they didn't necessarily feel painless and smooth as they traveled down my throat. I thought I was just going to hurl them back up, but I held them down, to my surprise. I did this one more time and I filled the glass a little bit more this time, but I wished I could just take them all dry. I walked back, slowed from the pills already taking affect, shutting down my body, and I hoisted myself back into the bed with Phil. I grabbed his hand and whispered, "I'm sorry," and my eyes shut.

"Dan!" I heard to my right. I looked around. I was in a field, but not really a field, but that was the only word to describe it as, everything around me was white. And there was Phil, a little bit away from me. He was wearing a clean plaid shirt, black skinnies, and black Converse high tops. His blue eyes shone bright, and his black hair was perfect, not messy and tousled like I had seen it last. I looked down. I had on my black t-shirt with the white ring on it, my band bracelets, black skinnies, and red Converse. I felt a little different, like I was dreaming, but I knew this dream wouldn't end anytime soon. I ran up to Phil and we engulfed each other in a tight hug, and we stood there for a while, just hugging, neither of us moving, both of us content.

"I'm so sorry, Phil, I'm so sorry." Phil just smiled.

"Dan, I should be the one apologizing. I did so many things that no friend should do. First, I didn't think of how much pain I was causing you when I was causing pain to myself. Second, I kissed you. friends _really_ shouldn't do that to each other. Third, I only thought of myself. When I found out you didn't love me, I just thought of how miserable I was. I didn't think of how if I left, you would be even more miserable than I was. I'm sorry."

"Phil, I should apologize because I hurt you in the end. I was the reason you cut yourself. I was the reason you killed yourself. And I do love you, how could I not? It just took me a little longer to realize it. I'm sorry too." I leaned in and kissed Phil's cheek. "Don't worry, I'll be here with you always. And Chris and PJ will be here too, eventually." Phil grinned at the thought of reuniting the Fantastic Foursome.

"But for now, we can have some time to ourselves. Come on, let's go explore." Phil nodded and I slipped my hand into his. I turned around and started to walk in the direction behind me. Out of nowhere, a fair with countless rides and flashing lights with concessions and arcades were in front of us. I was gonna like this place.

**So, how'd you guys like it? It took me three revisions to get it in this condition, the original was positively horrible. But without revisions, nothing is ever good, is it? Sorry if there were any spelling mistakes, I only corrected what had a squiggly red line underneath, haha. Please leave a review, I reply to them all and really would like some constructive criticism, it would help me a lot, especially because I'm new to writing. Thank you so much, wuv you all! :3**

**With love, GingerTips.**


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